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A Boy Named Suh

A Boy Named Suh

Sometimes the universe just falls into place for people and they end up doing the only job society allows them to have without considering them insane. In the case of Doug Stanhope, if he never got into comedy he would probably be a whiskey-fied zombie living under a bridge whose big break happens in his late sixties during an Opie & Anthony contest for funny homeless men. Ndamukong Suh also falls under that category of universally placed perfection. Tom Brady likes to say he was born to play football but let’s be honest. He would have done fine without it as a GQ model or PR consultant. The only two places Suh belongs in is a football field and Arkham Asylum. Football was his only chance at making a living. In no other field of work can one’s job stability survive arm stomping.

Another lucky break for Suh is the time period he lives in. He’s protected from parody. His fragile mind doesn’t have to worry about Saturday Night Live Donkey Kong bits where he throws Marshawn Lynch off a mountain if Steve Martin in a Mario suit doesn’t jump on his head. It doesn’t matter how many times they say his name sounds like Donkey Kong. The racial implications wouldn’t bode well in a society that tossed Imus off the air for calling the Rutgers girls basketball team “Nappy Headed Hoes.”

Last Sunday Suh’s perfect universe was tested. At least that’s probably what he thinks happened. It seems more like a receipt for past transgressions. Cardinals Guard Paul Fanaika dove at his legs a week after Suh did the same thing to John Sullivan. Was the Fanaika hit on purpose? Football is a physical game (Although I don’t think you need a 5’9 Long Island hipster telling you this) so it makes sense that eventually someone attempted to deliver unto him what he’s delivered many times before. (To be fair the low dive was sissy compared to the old Raider glory days. In Fanaika’s defense he probably has a soul and is afraid to hurt people.) Sure it could have been a mistake but you don’t see anybody diving at Peyton’s legs like that. (Diving at Tom Brady’s legs is at least a 150 yard fine.)

Being the dirtiest player in the game comes with a price. It isn’t all limousines and jet planes. (wooo.) If the Fanaika low dive is a sign of things to come, then Suh might be in that same place Tommy from Goodfellas was in before he got whacked. There’s only so many times you can kill made-men or low blow Matt Schaub before people start getting a little pissed off.

Suh’s first incident which kicked off his Least Liked Player Award Tour was in 2011 against the Packers -his Spyder incident if you will. In that game he smashed Evan Dietrich-Smith’s head into the ground and then turf-stomped his arm after the whistle was blown. It was the type of unadulterated savagery which makes Jim Ross yell ByGodGoodGodAlmightyThatManHasAFamilyKing.

Suh’s Billy Bats moment was a combination of the Mat Schaub WWE hit and the week one low block. It’s just a matter of time before someone hits him low by “mistake” because there was “nothing they can do” and seriously hurt the guy.

One of my favorite parts of Fanaika’s lame attempt at revenge was Suh’s reaction:

“To me, it’s just gnats in the air,” Suh said, according to The Detroit News. “You swat at ‘em. Sometimes you hit ‘em, sometimes you don’t, sometimes they run away, sometimes they come back. With me, I’m just that bee going to find the honey hole.”

He knows his past isn’t peachy clean so he can’t even react angrily. Comparing himself to fruitflies is the only righteous choice of words he can use. The internet would shut down if Suh said he was pissed about it. Videos of his arm stomping and low blows would out do kittens on youtube. I’m confident THAT many people would tweet him those videos. The amounts of tweets with the word hypocrite incorrectly spelled would force the twitter whale to come up from the ocean bottom of the internet he dwells in.

While football is the only career that can contain Suh, he certainly found a way to put a stain on the one thing that accepts hims. It will take years of perfect gentlemanship before Suh can feel like there aren’t players diving at him from all sides. Right now he’s at a crossroads where he can be the NFL’s My Name is Earl or continue the Ric Flair act he has going for him. While the Earl one isn’t as entertaining it certainly guarantees him some more walking time in the twilight years of his life.