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This Week in Things Men Like: The Legend of the 2013 Denver Broncos

This Week in Things Men Like: The Legend of the 2013 Denver Broncos

On Sunday my friends and I watched the 4 o’clock Broncos/Cowboys game, and by the time Tony Romo racked up 40 fantasy points, I was disgusted at myself for saying the cliche “Peyton can’t lose. This is one of those ‘solidify your legacy with some luck’ games.” Every great athlete has them. Eli had the throw to David Tyree in the Super Bowl, Dock Ellis had the no-hitter on acid for the Pittsburgh Pirates, and Stone Cold had an intense failure of blood clottage at Wrestlemania which reinforced that badass character he wanted to portray in a way that made him a legend in the business. Now Peyton has had a few “solidify your legacy” moments, but him overcoming Tony Romo channeling God was the special moment for this monstrous 2013 season. A season which may make the Greatest Show on Turf a show that no longer holds up – kind of like the Munsters.

The beauty of Peyton is he has a way of making the entire team better. He’s like an RPG DLC that 12-year olds call you a “fagula” and “cheeser” over because you used a special character against them which costs $9.99 and its special ability is to raise the stats of everyone on the team. Minor characters like Eric Decker and Julius Thomas go from being Kano and Pikachu to Ktulu-type receivers that rain hellfire and brimstone over the field.

We all saw how powerful he really was for the first Peyton-less year in Indy. It was a disaster. You swore he played defense too because the team went from a contender to one which couldn’t cover a receiver for the life of them.

Then there was Curtis Painter. That year the Paintize channeled God’s leaky diarrhea farts. Major characters like Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne went from Degeneration X in Nintendo 64’s “No Mercy” to the female wrestlers nobody uses unless you’re forced to in story mode. Both players haven’t really been the same since Peyton’s departure. Reggie Wayne doesn’t rack up TD’s like he used to and Dallas Clark barely starts.

With Peyton on the Broncos now, Denver fans can relax a little and have fun. The Tim Tebow years were like the one night you drank way too much and Peyton Manning was the IV bag some awesome ambulance driver brought to the bar which cured you of a miserable hangover the next day. Peyton not only pushed away the Tebow hangover, he revitalized the Broncos to legendary levels they never would have reached without him. Through five games alone this year the Broncos have scored 230 points. Peyton has thrown for 20 touchdowns and accumulated 1,884 yards.

The game against the Cowboys was that cliche where luck came into play. Tony Romo finally showed a flash of greatness until he blew it at the end, throwing that typical Romo interception. Right before the pick my friend Mariusz said, “I’m going out for a cigarette. I bet he throws a pick by the time I come back.” Romo did exactly that and my poor Jet fan friend Scott and I laughed really hard at his expense. The interception was better than Pryor at the Sunset Strip. Any other quarterback with Viking gods giving them energy would have given Peyton and his Broncos their first loss. Luckily for Denver, Tony Romo has the gift of falling apart when it matters most.