To me, the most amazing heel stable was CM Punk’s Straight Edge Society. Punk, Serena, Luke Gallows, and Joey Mercury, during his short stint with the group, drew heat during a lull period in wrestling when the WWE fully committed to the format of family friendly. The thing with CM Punk is you can’t ever expect him to just follow camelot’s rules of TV-14-prohibition. He took his straight edge lifestyle to cultish levels and attacked wrestling fans who just want to relax and have a drink after a hard week of working jobs they don’t want to work. His poetic ramblings against America’s plague of alcoholism enraged a San Francisco crowd enough where they threw batteries and whatever they had in their hand at the stable of three. In Punk’s Best in the World DVD, an old woman even slapped him across the face and called him the devil.
Its been a few years since heel stables were a part of WWE television so it’s refreshing to see the Wyatts and the Shield. The WWE has been very direct with the direction the Shield since their debut but the Wyatts are still a mystery. Nobody knows where they’re from or what’s next for them. They have the same kind of mysterious mystique to them that Fandango had recently when he refused to wrestle. We don’t know what quite to expect from them but it seems like it will be something entertaining.
The Wyatt family are probably a bunch of backwoodsmen who grew up watching Dutch Mantel before he became Ann Coulter with a penis. It really wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out they were hipsters from Williamsburg, Brooklyn with the way they dress though. They have the undeniable look of hipsters. Dirty beards, straw hats, dirty wife beaters, flannel shirts, tight blue jeans, working man boots, hidden fat, flashy button shirts, entrance music that sounds like that one acoustic song pop-punk-metalcore-emo bands played at every Brooklyn show, and a rocking chair which signifies the heart and soul of hipsters which is laziness.
The abduction of Kane and sister Abigail are two major angles the Wyatt family is playing with right now. If this really is a group of hipsters it wouldn’t surprise me if Kane came back with a bowler hat, sarcastic Hemingway t-shirts, and a guitar he just bought at a vintage music shop in Park Slope. The Kane theme we have all gotten used to will probably be 8-bit too. Nothing would make me happier then by Kane explaining he’s been gone because he wanted to hit a few mics in Bushwick to brush up on a song about his deceased father called When Punk Ashed Father’s Soul on Brother. Wrestling fans would be pissed. (And deservingly so.)
My biggest guess with Sister Abigail is that she’s the diva Paige in developmental right now. The Internet Wrestling Community would probably go bonkers if that’s the case. It seems like it makes sense too. Not since Dean Ambrose two-years-ago has the IWC been clamoring over someone’s debut. An angry feminist hipster blogger would add to the Wyatts. Those two guys who stand behind Bray, while he lazily sits in a chair, make perfect pussy whipped white knights for Abigail. Brooklyn Hipsters wouldn’t be Brooklyn Hipsters without a few guys pretending to be all for feminism thinking it’ll get them a sniff.
The Shield, another three man stable in the WWE, has very little mystery. What you see is what you get from them. They have a militant attitude and dress in all black at all times. Much like the Wyatts, the Straight Edge Society, and Triple H’s new Best for Business moniker, Ambrose, Reigns, and Rollins, are out for justice by destroying everything we love because it’s for our own good.
The Shield probably isn’t into music the way their hipster brethren the Wyatts are though. They share the same militaristic philosophy of No Music or Fun just like Jason Segel’s dad in Freaks and Geeks.
The best part about the Shield is how they reinvented themselves but still do the same exact thing they always do; triple powerbomb everyone. The difference now is they stand in front of the ring whenever Triple H speaks. The triple powerbombing trio of Big Bossmen have a new sense of royalty under the Game’s regime as the corporate Cerberus. Instead of knocking Ryback off of ladders because it’s fun, or beating down John Cena because of colorful merchandise and cheesy 1930’s good guy dialogue, their new mission is to do everything they can to stop all of Daniel Bryan’s Herculean efforts to retain the WWE championship whenever he steps into Hades.
The thing about the Shield that sets them apart from most heel stables is all three members have major championship allure to them. Unlike the Wyatts, who have two Luke Gallows and a possible future World Champion in Bray Wyatt, it wouldn’t be surprising if all three main evented Wrestlemania at some points in their career. The only group where you expected so much from its members was with Randy Orton and Batista during their run in Evolution.
Dean Ambrose is killer on the mic. He’ll always be a monster heel. It’s funny to watch Seth Rollins do Ambrose impressions during Shield vignettes. He takes whatever Ambrose says and waters it down a bit.
Dean Ambrose: We are the hounds of justice. Vengeance shall be served on you John Cena.
Seth Rollins: YEAH! Watch out because the three of us are looking for you Cena.
While Ambrose’s mic skills seem to surpass Rollins, both are equally gifted in the ring. Today CM Punk always steals the show with five-star-matches. Rollins and Ambrose will do the same thing and we’ll be seeing a shit-ton of five star matches from these guys in a few years. The future looks bright. While Ambrose is set to be a heel, Rollins has a good guy look to him. It’s Menudo-esque.
Roman Reigns has that Batista look Vince McMahon loves. In the future he’ll probably switch between heel and face. Either way he’ll be successful at both just like Batista. Reigns also has that Rocky Johnson blood in him so the business pours through his veins. He may not end up being the people’s champion but future people’s champions will fall to the spear. I’m also kind of hoping he takes the Rock Bottom once the Rock fully retires but that’s just a dream. He could add some devastation to that move.
If I had to pick between the Wyatts and Shield, I’m going with the Shield. Those guys have too much potential and are almost guaranteed Wrestlemania main events because of their skill. Bray Wyatt is good but never in the history of professional wrestling has a future legendary World Champion worn a shirt in the ring and had a finishing move that couldn’t be hit out of nowhere. With Bray Wyatt’s finishing move, first he has to make out with the guy and then he spins them around like a croc before slamming them to the floor. Stone Cold, the Rock, John Cena, Randy Orton, and JBL, had such successful careers because they could hit their finisher out of nowhere. The mystery in Bray Wyatt’s persona doesn’t match the finish to his matches.
Of course I could be completely wrong and all three members of 3MB will be legends.